Okay...I admit this first - I AM TERRIFIED...terrified to post this. Not sure I even should. I feel like I'll have exposed myself quite a bit. I'm afraid of the negative judgments I might incite. Yet perhaps some of you will want to read what I have to say...perhaps some of you can help me. Maybe my words will help some of you. So here goes...
Last night as I taught Ladies Bible Class at Rolling Hills Church of Christ in Mt. Sterling, KY - I made a public admission/confession of my shame at having gained nearly all the 121 pounds I lost during from Jan 2008 through July 2009. I brought it up because not to do so in the context of our lesson would have been untruthful, and since I am using Nancy Leigh DeMoss's book The Lies Women Believe and the Truth that Sets Them Free, as a springboard for our lessons this summer, I thought I better be perfectly honest with myself and my sisters in Christ. The lie we were dealing with was "God's Ways are Too Restrictive." The example (from a letter DeMoss received from 'Sarah') who expressed the idea that she had believed she should be able to eat "whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted it, and in whatever quantities I wanted because I felt punished by saying no."
The lie we discussed the week before also smacked me in the face in regard to my eating patterns: the lie "God is not enough." Last week I refused to confess how my eating habits/relationship with food might indeed reflect that lie, but I just couldn't do it again this week. So last night I did admit to myself and to the sweet sisters that how I relate to food/eating is evidence of some lies I believe and that I have been living under bondage to the tyranny of food because of those lies.
Why I feel shame is because I know that the weight loss and restoration
of health back in 2009 was God's good and beautiful gift to me. Losing weight and getting active was EASY back then. It never once felt hard. I never once felt deprived. God blessed me with that - a wonderful,
wonderful gift. And I did give God glory for doing that work in me.
But as
soon as I stopped consciously thinking about every food choice/bite,
the weight started creeping back. Then I just abandoned all I had
learned, the new life I had created and returned to my old ways - and
guess where that took me - right back to where I had started! So I just threw away His gift to me. I obviously counted it but rubbish, and of that I am greatly ashamed.
Yet I know that Jesus said, "Know the truth and the truth will set you free."
So I am going to stop listening to and believing lies and trust in The Truth I know and be set me free.
I hereby pledge to be honest with myself, with God, and with this blog journal (and any of its readers) as I begin this moment to reject the lies that bind me and live the Truth so that whether I eat or drink, or whatever I do, I do it ALL for the glory of God (1 Corinthians 10:31)
That's what I want my life to be all about - Living for His glory!
So glad you are blogging. Excellent thoughts, Cyndi. Love you, Sister.
ReplyDeleteThank you, April! I truly enjoy reading your Living By Faith blog. So glad we're friends!
DeleteThanks for the inspiration and good thoughts. I love you.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't be who I am without you, Mom!
DeleteI am excited about this blog and I know we will all benefit from what you have to say. I am still thinking on things I heard from your Ladies Day. Love you
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Toni! I really appreciate that. From outward appearances, you definitely keep the eating under control thing pretty well in hand. I want to grow up to be like you. :)
DeleteI can identify with everything that you said last night and on this blog. I have lost and gained weight so many times over the last few years. I know that I am not only disappointing myself but I am disappointing God as well. I really hope that I can change this and be an example to Makynleigh. I want her to know it is not okay to abuse eating the way I do. I'm sure that I was not the only one that identifies with your comments in class so we need to all encourage each other! Thanks for your comments. It is good to know that I'm not the only one that feels this way!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Whitney. I see that you do share my agony. I'm sorry for that. I have tried all sorts of ways to deal with this...and for a long time avoided turning to the Lord with it, believing somehow it would diminish him -kind of make him a weight-loss gimmick, which I definitely DON'T want to do... But this is too big a part of my life (no pun intended ;) to not go to the Lord with, seriously. I personally will never have victory in this, unless I really rely on the Lord in this. I obviously CANT do it on my own. THanks Whitney for your words - and you are definitely not alone! I so appreciate having you in class, too!
DeletePreach it sister!! I too struggle with the shame of throwing away gifts of which God felt I was worthy, including major weight loss. People who "suffer" with their weight tend to do so in shame, isolation and have an incredibly negative internal dialog; at least I do.
ReplyDeleteIt is such a personal topic/struggle and discussing it in such a public forum takes great courage. Thank you for sharing this as I am also guilty. I purchased a Weight Watchers membership over a month ago but have yet to actually diet or attend a meeting. I can make up every excuse in the world but in reality, I don't love myself or appreciate God's gift of good health enough to get off my lazy rear end and do the work. Your story is encouraging.
I LOVE YOU SIS!
Thank you, Kaye. I know you know exactly what I mean. And it certainly is personal. I talked about it at WW a couple months ago - cried. I teared up talking about it last night at church as well. A part of me just didn't want to...Just way personal and definitely feel shame. But its not like my problem is hidden - it out there for all to see....And definitely the isolation things goes on too.
DeleteI, of course, do not intend to make ANYONE feel guilty, just sharing what I am going through, thinking. Some people will definitely relate - and hopefully we can help each other.
I am going to WW tonight and not wanting to weigh in because I made very bad choices for 2 weeks (just got back on the straight and narrow on Tuesday)...and weight will be up tonight. I may or may not weigh-in, but I am going to the meeting.
Thanks for reading and replying, Kaye. Love you, too, little Sis!
I am in such awe of you my much older and wiser sister! You are an amazing inspiration to so many. I can certainly identify with all you said and have recently had my own heartfelt talk with myself on how I have allowed unimportant things get in the way of taking care of ME! I applaud you and your honesty....we ALL have struggles and weaknesses...it is inspiring to have a brave sister who is willing to open up and expose herself. You are AWESOME! I look so forward to your blogs! Love you!!!
ReplyDeleteNaturally I assumed Kelly was talking about ME as I read her descriptive words, "amazing inspiration" and "you are AWESOME!" but alas I knew she was indeed referring to Cynthia as she addressed her comments to her "much older (and wiser) sister!" Love you both!
DeleteHa-Ha! :)
DeleteWow, sister, you blew me away. Thank you for the very sweet words. I will try to live up to them. I love you very much and hope we can help one another Live For His Glory. :)
ReplyDelete